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TOPIC: Bread Alert!

Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #1

Makes me glad that I'm allergic to wheat and barley! :P<br />For your amusement, a funny I got from my brother, whos also allergic to wheat. :)<br /><br /><br />A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be<br />health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of<br />baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components<br />of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).<br /> <br />I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced<br />global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the<br />government going to go after Big Bread?<br /> <br />Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make<br />anyone think twice...<br /> <br />1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.<br /> <br />2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households<br />score below average on standardized tests.<br /> <br />3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the<br />average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates<br />were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such<br />as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.<br /> <br />4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of<br />eating bread.<br /> <br />5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that<br />as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The<br />average American eats more bread than that in one month!<br /> <br />6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of<br />cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.<br /> <br />7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and<br />given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.<br /> <br />8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items<br />such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.<br /> <br />9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than<br />90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body<br />being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a<br />soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.<br /> <br />10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.<br /> <br />11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That<br />kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.<br /> <br />12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between<br />significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.<br /> <br />In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread<br />restrictions:<br /> <br />1. No sale of bread to minors.<br /> <br />2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots<br />and bumper stickers.<br /> <br />3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills<br />we might associate with bread.<br /> <br />4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to<br />children) may be used to promote bread usage.<br /> <br />5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.<br /> <br />Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.<br /> <br />
'Whenever I feel blue, I remind myself to breathe again.'

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #2

(grinning)<br />Thanks for that public service announcement! Wow, did it ever open my eyes! <br />Bread sounds like it's as dangerous as that hydrogen hydroxide compound they were talking about last year! (you know - the one which can destroy metal, break rocks, and causes millions of dollars in environmental damage every year.)
"THERE WILL NEVER BE A TOKEN EQUAL TO A GOOD BRAIN!"- Smakdown

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #3

I like to do my part to raise awareness. Next week, awareness is getting her ears pierced. They grow up so quickly. :P
'Whenever I feel blue, I remind myself to breathe again.'

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #4

I would like to report that, while I am still on bread products, that I have been off of cold cuts for 10 years now as of this summer. I have to admit I am eating a pretzel while writing this message.<br />David (S.)
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abe Lincoln

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #5

Bravo! 10 Years off the hard stuff, good for you! <br />Admitting you have a problem is always the first step, we're behind you! ;)<br />hehehehehe. *smiles*
'Whenever I feel blue, I remind myself to breathe again.'

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #6

oh sure. just take away my bread. take the cold cuts as well. sheesh. i may starve now, but you will never get my tokens. never, i say, never.
Founder of Tokenholics Anonymous.
TD Patron since 2005.
Completed 20 runs at GC 2017.

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #7

<br />(grinning)<br />Thanks for that public service announcement! Wow, did it ever open my eyes! <br />Bread sounds like it's as dangerous as that hydrogen hydroxide compound they were talking about last year! (you know - the one which can destroy metal, break rocks, and causes millions of dollars in environmental damage every year.)<br />

<br /><br />Hey, Hydrogen Hydroxide is one powerful acid.  People should be careful with the pure form.  It is only because of all the crud found in the more common forms, diluting it's potency, that keeps the entire world from being completely in hospitable to life....<br /><br />And I'll bet you thought there would never be a logical argument for pollution... :lol:
You should know better than to pick up a duck in a dungeon....

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #8

thank god, er, um, uh, man for pollution?
Founder of Tokenholics Anonymous.
TD Patron since 2005.
Completed 20 runs at GC 2017.

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #9

I heard Barack Obama had a Home Econ class (i.e., bread terrorist camp) when he was a child.<br /><br />(At least that is the leak from Hilliary's camp...)
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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #10

So does that mean we should carry loaves of bread with us wherever we go in case we are ever attacked so we can throw slices at evildoers?  :brave:
~It's good to be young and insane~

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #11

<br />So does that mean we should carry loaves of bread with us wherever we go in case we are ever attacked so we can throw slices at evildoers?  :brave:<br />

<br /><br />Only if you use Dwarf Bread

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Re: Bread Alert! 13 years 3 weeks ago #12

A very sad passing.  Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complication from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.  Doughboy was buried in alightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisin, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours.<br /><br />Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky, at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.<br /><br />Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.<br /><br />The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />(Just something I got from someone that I'm sharing........lol... if there are misspelled words, I'm sorry, there doesn't seem to be a spell check. Doug?)
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